How to Build Exceptional Relationships

This is a summary of the book Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues.

An exceptional relationship is when someone really knows what's inside you. You feel seen, known, and appreciated for who you really are and not an edited version of yourself. The book breaks it down to two domains: self disclosure and feedback.

Self disclosure:

Feedback and conflict:

Connection Assesment

The following are behaviors that impact our ability to build strong relationships. Select 5 that you believe are your strengths. Then review the list again and mark the 5 that are more difficult for you. Send this list to a friend and ask them to asses you. Discuss the differences between what both of you wrote.

  1. Disclose personal issues that are important to you and your relationship.
  2. Value your emotions, don’t downplay them, or feel the need to justify them or brush them aside.
  3. Know how to express your emotions in an appropriate way.
  4. Willing to be vulnerable (including expressing feelings of hurt, rejection and being one-down).
  5. Ask for help when needed.
  6. Make it easy for others to disclose what is important and personal for them.
  7. React to others emotional disclosures in ways that invite further disclosure.
  8. Actively listen; suspend judgement.
  9. Engage in difficult exchanges with curiosity.
  10. Show genuine interest and empathy when others share personal issues.
  11. Hold back from giving advice and trying to solve their situation.
  12. Ask open-ended questions so that the other can explore their own issues.
  13. Refrain from trying to dominate; instead focus on working collaboratively.
  14. Raise annoyances rather than shoving them under the rug where they can grow and fester.
  15. Express your annoyance without blaming the other.
  16. Avoid using humor as "zingers" or a way to "make points" indirectly.
  17. Use humor to connect with the other and bring them closer.
  18. Provide feedback that focuses on behavior and its impact on you, instead of making an attribution of the other’s motives, intentions or character.
  19. Show appreciation/express gratitude to others for what they do or say.
  20. Demonstrate receptiveness to critical feedback by keeping defensiveness down and not making excuses.
  21. Respond to other’s defensiveness with curiosity and empathy.
  22. Treat feedback, whether given or received, as information, not a demand for change.
  23. Try to understand what is going on with the other, especially the other’s position when different than yours during arguments.
  24. Recognize what hooks you (sets you off) and, when necessary, set it aside temporarily to deal with the main issues.
  25. See feedback as a gift - to give and receive.
  26. Be receptive to conflict instead of avoiding it and see it as likely to contain information important to your development and growth of the relationship.
  27. Believe that the objective during a disagreement is not to win but rather to seek a resolution that meets both of your needs and strengthens the relationship.
  28. Willing to apologize and say "I’m sorry" when appropriate.
  29. Pay attention to any needs for repair after a conflict in which the relationship has been strained.
  30. Understand what is needed when repairing a relationship.

Japanese art form

Kintsugi / kintsukuroi / golden repair: repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.